posted January 30, 2002 03:58 PM           

I get attached to the stupidest ****. Like I've been wearing this plastic kids bracelet for weeks now. Its more important to me than the watch I won in the CvS2 tourny.

Has anyone else ever been into any OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder) stuff? I've done things throughout my life. One of the first was when I was about 9, I used to rub my chin, well not exactly my chin, that area between my bottom lip and my chin. I did it so much this big gross scab formed there so then of course I just kept ripping the scab off making it worse. I don't know how I stopped that one. I went thru the whole 'don't step on cracks while walking' thing, I still do that sometimes. In my early teens I used to tear the skin off the bottom of my feet. I'd sit there for hours picking at it. I'd always try to tear off the longest piece of flesh without bleeding. Sometimes the skin wouldn't rip right and it'd start to go deep and I'd bleed. I don't remember how long I did this. The one I've done the most is biting the inside of my cheeks/lips. Damn that went on for so many years, like 10. Its pretty simple I'd just bite the insides of my mouth. I didn't care if I bled, I didn't really care how much it hurt either. Its like I'd bite into my cheek, which would tear it, then I'd work my way out from there. I'd wake up in the morning with all these chunks of white dead skin hanging inside my mouth, I'd take my thumbnail and scrape it out then start biting again. I was always trying to make a whole area smooth. I did it all the time and nobody knew about it, cept my x. Gives you real bad breath, there was a few times she'd want to kiss me but I wouldn't cuz my breath smelled like blood. She's a dental hygienist and she'd clean my teeth and I'd open my mouth and she'd see all the scars and torn up areas. Sometimes when I'd be biting the inside of my lips the skin I'd be biting off would rip as far as my outer lips making me look like I had some chapped lips problem. I never ate the flesh I bit out, I always either spit it out or picked it out with my nail. I was always spitting blood and oh eating was awful, spicy food would get into the cuts and gashes and it BURNED! I kind think like this, its like I'm a horrible person and by taking pieces away from myself there's less of me, less of this horrible person and that makes me feel better. I liked the pain sometimes. I'd have I dunno like a hang nail or something and I'd tear it off and I'd do it so slow and it hurt and my instinct tells me to stop but I didn't want to and actually once you get past the fear reaction part of pain it can be quite a pleasant sensation, your thoughts race, it takes your breath away, your body goes into a mini state of shock. It made me feel and I haven't done a lot of that in my life. I stopped biting the inside of my mouth in the first week of November 2001. I always told myself I could stop immediately if I wanted to and I did. I believe in the mind of matter idea.

I kind of want to write song lyrics. I could only do lyrics though, not the music.

Don't ever argue addiction, if someone says you are just agree cuz it's a lose/lose situation anyway. If you say 'no I'm not addicted to _____' they'll say 'you're in denial'. If you say 'oh I can quit _____' they'll say 'that's what all addicts say'. Idiots. JUST because you do something excessively does NOT mean you are addicted. I think addicted people are weak minded. I think its only an addiction if it regularly interferes with your job/family/life. If you're drinking one night and have to call in the next morning and take the day off cuz you have a hangover does NOT mean you're an alcoholic. If you do that so much you get fired then you might have a problem. **** everyone.

I'm gonna make a ftp server for stuff I wanna share. I'll do that tonight. I'll put up like some videos of game combos, some mp3's, whatever I think is interesting. Just copy/paste this into your IE address bar:
ftp://gmhits:kibagami@12.245.212.160
Those of you who are advanced ftp'rs can dissect that. I'll have it set up tonight by 5 m. My comp is on 24/7, I had a good streak going, last week I checked and my comp had been running for 31 days without being rebooted.