10/26/00

Pat & Adrian’s Ultimate Game Hits

The day had finally arrived. Adrian and I had transcended the threshold of mere game cartridge bashing… and graduated to the bashing of game systems themselves. For this task, and better instrument of destruction was needed; a tool from the gaming heavens with which to lay down the sweet smacketh on the wretched masses of old game systems we’d assembled. To this end, Adrian gave thanks to the powers of gaming and demanded that they deliver unto him a tool fit for the job – a Hammer of Game System Doom™.

Adrian stood, arms outstretched to the heavens as he invoked the names of the legends… the likes of Miyamoto, Tramiel, Hawkins (actually, when he said Trip Hawkins, a bolt of lightning shot from the sky and seared the ground with a flaming 3DO symbol, so we removed Trip’s name from the list in fear of further retribution), and Naka. Before long, we noticed something in the sky… an elongated shape that seemed to radiate imminent doom.

It floated slowly down to Adrian’s outstretched hands, and as soon as he touched it, the urge to smash game systems flowed through him.

We readied the pile of chosen systems and peripherals. We had Playstations, and N64, Genesis, GameBoy, multiple controllers and a Game Gear to test for sturdiness and durability. We began. Our first subject was a Playstation. As an added incentive for The Hammer of Game System Doom™, we placed a Mortal Kombat Trilogy CD in the system and closed the lid. Adrian lined The Hammer of Game System Doom™ up carefully and took a mighty swing.

Amazingly, the Playstation itself was relatively undamaged. The Hammer of Game System Doom™ had sensed the loathful presence of the Mortal Kombat disc and used the power behind Adrian’s blow to smash the disc to pieces, while leaving the Playstation intact. Obviously The Hammer was sending a message – the system itself was not worthy of such a game. We removed the shattered remnants of Midway’s folly, and reset the Playstation for another mighty bash.

Without the offending MK disc, The Hammer had no qualms about rendering the system to pieces, although it took a few good swings to reduce it to so much plastic and metal refuse.

Next up was a GameBoy, and as you can see from the above photo, all it took was one good hit from The Hammer and the system was naught but small chunks of dangerously sharp plastic whizzing through the air around the assembled onlookers. Here’s a warning to you GameBoy owners out there – take care with your system – the slightest bump or prod may cause them to fly apart, and a drop of more than a foot and a half would surely reduce it to plastic dust.

Our next victim was an NES. Because the system was mostly hollow due to the cartridge loading apparatus, The Hammer smashed through the brittle shell and into the fragile electronics effortlessly. Blowing on the cartridge ain’t gonna help this NES play games anymore…

A Sega Genesis was the next chosen target. The picture shown above is actually the third hit to the system, which withstood the initial barrage of blows bravely, with only minor cracks and denting.

Amazingly, Sega’s compact Game Gear proved to be the most durable system was tested. It took no fewer than five solid hits to leave the unit in the condition seen in the picture. While the damage is obviously critical, the system held together, refusing to fly apart in a manner similar to the brilliant display of raw destruction we saw with the GameBoy. Game Gear, we salute you – you may have lost the handheld war to the GameBoy, but there’s no doubt in our minds that you were the hardier system.

Finally, the N64 took its turn beneath The Hammer. Like the NES before it, we found that the upper portion of the system was mostly hollow, and The Hammer had no problem crashing through the shell to destroy the system’s innards. It did take another two good hits to thoroughly smash the N64 to pieces, but the initial blow was undeniably lethal.

Next we placed controllers for both the Playstation and N64 for The Hammer to test.

Playstation controllers are built like their host systems – fairly sturdy and solid. This example took a few hits to destroy.

… while the N64 controller pretty much fell apart even before The Hammer struck its first mighty blow.

Here’s a picture of the results of our game system sturdiness test. Thanks to Shawn for providing the systems and to the powers of gaming for The Hammer of Game System Doom™. I’m sure it will be called upon again in the future to test the worth of more game systems. When that day comes, Adrian and I will be ready and willing to answer the call and bring you the results.

Cast and Crew   News, Articles and Reviews