Imagine for a moment, being an typical Asian child. Your father is actually a shaven gorilla, a cruel trick played on your mother by African locals during her visit as a grad student in order to complete the requirements to become a bukkake star of film and stage. Your pet monkey was recently killed when crossing the bullet train's rail, and while your bonsai tree may provide hours of endless enjoyment, it does little to fill the spontaneous hijinx only a monkey can provide. The steady diet of rice, cubic watermelons, avocado suspended in flavorless gelatin served as candy, and sea urchin genitals keeps the residual radiation sickness at bay. And first and foremost, if you're to believe anything this game presents you, you live in an empty house… in which you're destined to DIE!

When people in the American culture are diagnosed with a terminal illness, doctors sometimes advise them into keeping a "growth diary" to gain perspective on their life, chronicling their lifetime of experience for the benefit of their loved ones. Hence, by the title of the game, I can only assume it's the by-product of some terminally ill child prodigy quarantined in their empty house without nothing but a home-made computer fashioned out of rubber bands, duct tape, a box of Hello Kitty chocolate laxatives, and a cat.

The "game" is as this: Melon-Chan is confined to her house where you can sadistically guide her daily life. You decide when she goes to the bathroom to "push fluids", and when she goes into a coma for three months. For extra fun, if you can navigate 30 menus written exclusively in Japanese, you can wander outside and harass a handful of locals until they realize whatever you have is contagious, or until you run out of money… whichever comes first. This routine of sleeping, constantly looking at a toilet, and marauding around until she DIES. To be honest, I haven't progressed to that point yet, but I assume she does… a fate similar to the title character of Ecco the Dolphin, when at the end of the game, a passing cruise ship discovers they ran out of tuna-meat for the big feast.

Ratings breakdown (on a 1 to 10 scale, where '10' represents River City Ransom, and '1' represents Jeremy McGrath Supercross 2000)

Graphics: 3.0

While the backgrounds are a perpetual gallery of black and white masterpieces, Melon-Chan herself apparently only has a half a frame of animation.

Sound: 1.0

If Mozart was alive, he'd have made the soundtrack to this game. But he's NOT, so apparently they trained a circus bear to smash a keyboard in a haphazard fashion to make the goofy never-ending background music.

Controls: 4.0

Just like in real life, your interactions are limited to waving around the severed hand of Mario.

Replay value: -10.0

You'll love it as much the second time you play it as you did the first time… if that means anything.

Overall (not an average): 4,352,352,023,592,358,139,281,513,958,250,235,892,358,928,352.2

If you're one of those dirty Otaku who thinks owning subtitled Cowboy Bebop and knowing the meaning of the word "baka" makes you less filthy than your Anime-convention-attending brethren, you'll love this game simply because:

1): It's in Japanese.

2): You're an idiot.

Otherwise, the rating still stands because it's a Neo Geo Pocket game, and Neo Geo Pocket owners desperately need all the self confidence they can get.