02/15/01

Conker's Bad Fur Day 

System: Nintendo 64 

MSRP: 59.99 (Hey Big Spendah...) 

Genre: Dirty Platform Hoppin' 

 For years, the powers that be have turned a glaring eye towards violent and sexually explicit games. First with Night Trap, then with Mortal Kombat, both which featured prominent gore and violence. At the time, it was Sega who received the sharp end of the stick while Nintendo maintained a squeaky clean image. 

 For years, Nintendo had released family friendly titles that had become household names such as Super Mario Bros.and Pokemon, all without the slightest tinge of ultra violence or without the littlest panty shot. 

 For years, Nintendo had been the symbol of family gaming. 

 To hell with all that, the times have changed. 

(Blasphemy!)

 So now, apparently as a sign that they have gone officially insane, they have released this game, Conker's Bad Fur Day. WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, this is easily the most offensive, lewd, twisted, psychotic, disgusting game I have ever had the joy and wonderment of playing. 

***GOODY TWO-SHOES WARNING***: Conker's Bad Fur Day is a Mature rated game. If you have a problem with ultra violence, massive profanity and other disturbing and outrageous acts, don't even bother LOOKING at this game. This game is absolutely not for anyone under 17 even though you 15/16 year olds think you're "mature". And don't go trying to get your older brother to buy it for you, you naughty bastards.

 The story of the game is based around that of Conker, a newly 21-year old squirrel, who goes out to the local pub and gets super stinkin' drunk with classmates, friends, strangers, etc. It becomes a mission just to get him home, but a lot of stuff happens along the way.... 

 And how. The vile acts that take place in this game are almost too numerous to mention. Urination. Vomiting. Feces Throwing. Swearing more than Chris Tucker (Ed. Note: The actor, not the customer!) Decapitation and on and on and on. But it shouldn't be about all that.... What am I saying? Of course it should! Giant poo monsters, chain guns of death, giant breasted flowers, amazing foul language speakin' cogs, a miniature cat-hating Grim Reaper and even a sing along or two make this a most memorable trip. Also, the many nods to pop culture are shown throughout the game as a lot of movies get parodied in some sort in the game, always near flawlessly. From Terminator 2 to Saving Private Ryan, from The Matrix to Jaws, you'll be constantly trying to pick out what's being parodied where.

(It sure is, Mr. Bastard Cog!)

 Graphically, it's exactly what you'd expect from Rareware, fortunately and unfortunately. Disturbingly cute and colorful scenery with bright big patches of red death, awe inspiring amounts of detail (what impressed me most is the dandelions seeds flying away when you run over them. Now THAT'S attention to detail.) The characters themselves give great facial expressions and convey exactly what you'd think them to. The unfortunate part is that there tends to be slowdown. Bummer. (But it's almost expected of a Rareware game, so it's an acceptable tradeoff..) 

 Turn up the volume, because the sound is the show stopper of this game. The music is so good that you do not want to believe this was on a cartridge. All different types of music are covered and played and make Conker not only an enjoyment in-between swearing fits, but an instant masterpiece and soundtrack nominee. It's really great to be playing and all of a sudden when you set down the controller for a second to get a soda, coming back to hear Conker had fired up the old Game Boy (complete with trademark ping) and hearing him playing Killer Instinct, making small remarks (Ooh! Ooh! Combo! or Hit him!) with original tiny Game Boy game music and all! 

 And the voices! You'd be led to believe (and you're probably right) that most of the cartridge was used to cram the staggering amount of voice samples that inhabit and bring to life this astonishing piece of work. From hearing the ruffian cog telling you to "F*** off!" to hearing Conker complain about what's in it for him, you will be left crying from laughter as this is just marvelous the way the sound brings everything together.

 The controls adequately do their job, as it is a Nintendo platformer. The neat thing is the B Button "context sensitive" events. They're just events where Conker whips out various objects (slingshot, flamethrower, anvil, throwing knives, etc.) to get past whatever might be in his way. This makes it FAR easier and more entertaining as a whole that there's no backtracking such as in Donkey Kong 64 to get that missing "key" item. It's too bad that this wasn't implemented earlier into games because it would make some of the previous Rare titles more entertaining and easier for the younger crowd (which this game OBVIOUSLY isn't for.)

 Even though Rare and Nintendo may have officially lost their minds, you should immediately buy this magnum opus for the N64. Disturbingly clever, excruciatingly funny and always demonically rude and crude, Conker should satisfy most anyone with a pulse. Simply put, a game not to be without and definitely a reason to get a Nintendo 64 cheap. 

The Reverend Mofat Jones never trusted them damn squirrels. Anything that puts nuts in their mouth is too suspicious anyways.

(Pictures courtesy of  IGN.com)

-Mofat

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