12/22/00

Fat Asks "Why"?
Late December Edition

As I sit here and suffer through the 1565th showing of the "WQL THUNDERTANKS!!" Commercial, I'm asking myself: WHY is 3DO trying to make themselves into the next Ack-Lame or THQ? They usually make some pretty good software for computers (the Heroes of Might and Magic series for example), but their recent console offerings more resemble steaming piles of finger-induced throat regurgitation. Thundertanks is crap, just about ANY Army Men game for consoles is crap, and Warriors of Might and Magic sure LOOKS to be crap, as it's a total ripoff of the halfway decent (but not my kinda game) Soul Reaver, only with crap graphics and animation.  3DO knows that these game are sub-standard.  Their solution?  Advertise the games to death, just like Ack-lame and THQ do.  Eidos is guilty of this too, bringing out Tomb Raider after outdated, slightly tweaked, overhyped, overrated (non-game publications like TV Guide spooge all over it) Tomb Raider.

Here's a "WHY" that connects with the last one: WHY do the companies that make the CRAP-ASSINIST (Don't look that word up in the dictionary: it's not there) games seem to have the most money to advertise them with?  It seems almost criminal that Tekken Tag Tournament (not really a BAD game persay, but an example) can be advertised ad nauseum while Dead or Alive 2 Hardcore (a fighting game AT LEAST in the same league as Tekken Tag, and considered superior by many, including myself. It's all based on your own opinion), is limited to magazine ads and almost no press.

Connection number 3: Okay, Sega's not doing too bad with advertising for this Christmas.  The Sports game ads are running regularly, I've seen the commercial for Jet Grind Radio more than I thought I would, and the Shenmue commercials are running quite frequently (not as often as the $*#%!@' Tekken Tag commercials, but I digress).  But there's one game that needs an ad campaign that's not getting it: Skies of Arcadia.  This is an RPG that's EASILY the same caliber as Square's Chrono Cross or Final Fantasy series, and it deserves an advertising blitz as much as the other big games in Sega's lineup.  Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to get anything beyond some magazine ads. If THQ's Mediocre Summoner can have a big ad blitz, WHY can't this one?  I have a feeling that Grandia II won't get the attention it deserves either (though most likely it'll get more than Skies of Arcadia will).

WHY are there so many cuss-cursin' RACE games all the time?!?  Although I'm not very good at them, I LIKE race games...but not THIS many!  I feel like we're all being buried in shovel-full after shovel-full of Kart games, Stock car games, off-road games, Rally games, arcade racers, and Racing simulations.  It doesn't seem to matter what system you have, they all have a surplus of third-person (behind the vehicle) racers.  Most of them are slightly upgraded sequels and rehashes (one of the biggest offenders of this is Ridge(d) Racer V for PS2, which is a gameplay DOWNGRADE from R4 on PS1), with little to no innovations or improvements.  The ones that do (like the DC's Metropolis, which ironically is being pushed back to next year for the US-I have a European version) are few and far between.  Even if you like racers, you have to admit that too many average ones isn't as good as 1 or 2 really good ones.  Too many of the same type of game has plagued the game industry for years, but it seems like there's too many racers EVERY year.

WHY is it that nobody around here is Pro-Sony anymore?!?  I need somebody to argue with here!! Maybe I shouldn't have broken Geeky out of his "Sonbie" trance...

WHY isn't there a game based on "Diffrn't Strokes" starring Gary Coleman? Think of the possibilities!  It could be a Shenmue-like immersive experience where you play the role of Arnold through various classic episodes, such as the one where Arnold and his friend have to thwart the evil "Child-Molester", and the one where Arnold has to beat Willis in a really crappy looking Video game.  Quick-Timer events who include scenes where you would have to say "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?" at the right time, as well as "behind the camera" scenes, where you have to know how to react when you're mistaken for Emmanuel Lewis (fan on the street: beat dat ass, famous movie producer: Grin and bear it).  I think a "Very special Blossom" game would go over big too (Chapter one: Why is my NOSE so damn big?).  C'mon, if the troll-lookin' Olsen Twins can have a plethora of skeet-shooting fodder games, WHY can't these guys?

Here's one for you so-called video-game know-it-alls:  I have seen in many places that Sammy's Guilty Gear X for the Dreamcast is the FIRST 2-Dimensional fighting game that is in 640 x 480 resolution.  Is that so?.... WHY hasn't anyone mentioned a few certain imported 3DO fighting games from a few years back that just HAPPENED to share the same resolution?  I believe there was one based on Yu Yu Hakusho, and a couple of others that were based on some all-female mangas ala Sailor Moon (there's a TON of 'em).  Whether or not these games "count" or not (they, like any other fighting games on the 3DO, were animated like crap and totally sucked) is debatable, but the fact is they DO exist.

This "WHY?" isn't really a question, 'cause I know why, but it is dedicated to the passing of Gamefan, at least as a website. Their Magazine may be gone too, of that I'm not certain.  There's a lot of competition in the World Wide Web when it comes to the field of video game reviewing, and the idea of actually making money on a fan site like this is almost ludicrous (yes, Shawn, I'm talking to YOU).  Many of the sites that are around now are fan-based, and they make just enough money to pay for the site itself.  In order to do this well (Which, truthfully, I'm not saying we do), you have to love it.  You have to be a true game player, not someone who's in it for money, 'cause there's VERY little chance you're going to get any.  The reason Gamefan folded is because their parent company, express.com, is having some pretty nasty financial trouble.  They found that even if you DO make money on a game site, it usually isn't enough to pay for a full staff of writers and a decent amount of webspace, AND make a profit.

I remember when GameFan's magazine first appeared, probably around 1989 or so.  At first, it was a resfreshing change from the other stodgy magazines at the time: It was a lot like like a fanzine with a big budget, and although it had some AWFUL writing (even worse than what you're reading now...scary, isn't it?), and at times an unreadable layout (The magazine's Art Director, Terry Wolfinger, liked to experiment a lot with such things as dark text against busy screen captures), it had a certain charm to it, because you knew the people writing it were all about games, and they covered games and systems that were ignored by the other magazines.  Then, the egos took over, as well as the fact that the Magazine was owned by a company which just happened to sell imported games.  Oftentimes, imports would get glowing reviews from them, and then the US version of the same game would get completely trashed.  At one time, Gamefan's entire writing staff, except for 2 writers, were all dismissed because it was discovered that they were selling the review copies of their games to Hong Kong pirate houses.  Yep, these guys were Smooooth...

Gamefan's website shared many of the same problems as their magazine: That is, pretty bad writing and a confusing layout.  Still, they had some interesting opinions at times, and some entertaining comments as well (I just loved it when they complained about how nobody likes shooters anymore).  Gamefan, you will be missed....at least slightly.  Anyway, they had a better website than, say.....Tips N' Tricks (Pat! PAAAAAAT! Hee-HYAAAAAH!!!).

Speaking of TnT, WHY hasn't anyone commented on what a wonderful anagram (that word IS in the Dictionary) You can make out of Tips n' Tricks by switching around the "p" in tips with the "t" in tricks (write it out if you don't get it)? By the way, the resulting phrase may be more appropriate with the knowledge that TnT is owned by the same publishing company that does Hustler.  There goes any chance of me ever gettin' a job there, not that I ever had one anyway...

Last but not least, WHY doesn't EVERYONE have a happy set of holidays?  Whatever it is you celebrate, from Merry Christmas to Happy Chanukah, I hope you have a good time.  And remember, if you don't have a PS2 by now....




....YAGO!

-Fat

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