10/04/00

What to do on October 26th...

(or, PS2: you ain't gettin' one)

October 26th is PS2 day!  Aren’t you excited? (I sure am....woohoo....) Pretty soon, we’ll all be experiencing the power of Sony’s new powerhouse system.  Pretty soon, but for most of you, NOT on October 26th.  Due to Sony’s apparent lack of foresight, there’s gonna be a system shortage (whether it’s fabricated or not is still under debate), and Sony’s only gonna be able to release about 500,000 systems for launch day (and you just watch: they’re STILL gonna claim that they broke the DC’s sales record).  The following list I put up is for those of you that ain’t gonna get a PS2 (which is most of you):

1. Go to work, or school.  There’s no need to take a day off to play the PS2, after all, you ain’t gettin’ one.

2. If you’re not working that day, or don’t have class or something, sleep in.  There’s no need to get up early and wait in line for a PS2, ‘cause you ain’t gettin’ one.

3. Don’t you have some chores or housework to do? Do that. Clean out the gutters, rake the lawn, wash the dishes, stuff like that.  This will help keep your mind off of the PS2, and the realization that you ain’t gettin’ one.

4. One thing NOT to do: Don’t pray to your faith, lord or deity for a PS2.  Whichever lord it is, all of them will think (rightfully) that they have more important things to do than answer your shallow, petty prayer and make it possible for you to get a PS2.  The best you can hope for is a sign, proclaiming "Thou shalt not be gettin’ one".

5. Don’t worry about your friends and neighbors gettin’ a PS2.  They ain’t gettin’ one.

6. Another thing NOT to do: if one of your friends or neighbors does get a PS2, DON'T beat them up and take it. Take it from me.  NO system is worth losing a friend, or even an acquaintance over, nor is it worth a criminal record.  Just accept that...you ain't gettin' one.

7. Line-heckling. One fun pastime will be going to one of your local Video game chain stores, (Funcoland, Software etc., Babbage’s, EB, Game Hits? nah...) and making fun of those desperate enough to wait in line for a PS2.  You ain’t gettin’ one, but they ain’t gettin’ one either.

8. Stock up on games and accessories you may want for the PS2. Multitaps, Memory cards, controllers, and games will be available, but as for PS2s, you just ain’t gettin’ one.

9. Check out some of the great Dreamcast, N64, PS and PC titles coming out at that time.  It’s going to be a stellar software lineup for DC, as the likes of Jet Grind Radio, Shenmue, Skies of Arcadia, and Grandia 2 will be available at that time or soon after.  The long-awaited new Zelda game is coming out for the N64 at that time.  Now, I don’t want to hear any of you biased asses say crap like "I don’t WANT that S#!+! PS2 is WAY MORE BETTER!!"  Keep an open mind. Not only are fanboy losers not gettin’ one, they don’t deserve one.

10. Go to the arcade and play some Tekken Tag Tournament.  The PS2 version is a lot nicer looking than the arcade one, but don’t worry about that: you ain’t gettin’ one.

11. Go dig out (or buy) the first Ridge Racer game for the Playstation (or better yet, get the 60 fps version that comes with R4).  Play it.  If you imagine really hard, you might be able to convince yourself you’re playing Ridge Racer V on PS2 (you wouldn’t be too far off, either).  Sure, the old version has better music (believe it....or not....) and isn’t as flickery, but it sure plays a lot like the new one.  If you can convince yourself you’re playing something close to what you’ll get on PS2, it softens the blow of the fact that you ain’t gettin’ one.

12. Read a book, or a magazine.  I suggest you stay away from game mags though: all they’ll do is remind you of the PS2: you know, the one you ain’t gettin’...

13. Take a minute to sit and contemplate: WHY do you want a PS2? Is it because of the "spectacular" list of games available at launch (that’s unlikely...)? Is it for the promise of great games for the future(a bit more likely)? Is it ‘cause SONY made it (ya biased ASS)? Or, is it simply because.....you ain’t gettin’ one?

14. Go rent some DVDs to watch, unless you’re planning on using the PS2 to watch them, ‘cause...do I really need to say it again?

15. When you get on the ‘net that night, go check out the forums to see what people got to say about that PS2 you ain’t gettin’.  While perusing through the posts, take comfort in the fact that lots of people are lyin’ about havin’ one (why? I dunno...I’m no psychologist).  Also, even if they did get one, take a bit of time to wonder about why they’re on the forum bragging about it instead of playing it...

16. Remember, there's a chance that all of this a Sony sales ploy.  Don't be surprised if Sony suddenly makes a "supreme effort" to satisfy it's customers and there's suddenly a buttload of PS2s all over the place.  Even if this DOES happen, don't get too excited.  Some of you STILL ain't gettin' one.

BUT WHAT IF YOU GET ONE??

Congratulations! Take it out of the box and play it.  Make sure you have a game, it doesn’t come with one.  Get the PS2 hype-mania out of your system.  It should take about 2 hours or so for most people.  Now, call up that biased ass friend of yours and see how much he’ll pay you for it.  I wouldn’t go less than $400 myself.  Or put it up on ebay, and see how much some B.A. Schmuck will shell out for it.  Get a handsome profit, then wait a couple of months until PS2s are available everywhere.  Get one then.  If the events explained in point #15 happen, then shrug, keep it and come to terms with the fact that it's just another game system.

BUT WHAT IF YOU DON’T WANT ONE??

Hmm....either you’re a pro-Sega/pro-Nintendo/pro-PC/pro somethin’ biased ASS (no better than the PS and PS2 fanboys really), you can’t afford one (understandable. any way you look at it, it’s DAMNED expensive) or...you’re probably one of those people that has a life.  Us fanboys don’t know much of anything about that.  Just keep doin’ what you’re doin’ I guess.  You CERTAINLY ain’t gettin’ one.

Well, that’s about it for my little list. Seriously, good luck in your quest of getting a PS2 (if you want one THAT badly).  As for reviews or the American version of the system and it’s games, you can look to the Game Hits site for lots of them in the future, but probably not on October 26th, at least not from me....For now, I’m pretty sure I ain’t gettin’ one.

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