08/25/00

So ya wanna be a Fanboy?

Hey you....yeah you, the one who's squinting their eyes trying to read 
this small text against this ugly background.  I'm talkin' to you.  
Let's cut through the crap right here, right now....I want to know this: 
Where do you stand when it comes to the best game system in the world?  
What will crush everything else and dominate?  Who makes the greatest 
games ever, or ever to be?  C'mon, you GOTTA have an opinion on 
this....don't you?

If you want to be a TRUE, HARD-CORE REAL MAN MACHO (biased-ass fanboy) 
game player, you've got to pick a side, and fight in this war.  There 
can only be one victor in this, the ultimate battle of Gaming supremecy.  
Be careful which side you choose, however, for if the game system you 
pick fails, you are a complete and total loser (and anyone who believes 
the latter statement truly is).

Be cautious when you say which games you prefer...if others don't 
agree, then you MUST try to BASH your opinions into their thick, uneducated 
skulls, or immediately turn your back on these awful games and follow 
the rest of your fellow fanboy soldiers (or, you could just not give a 
damn and enjoy said games yourself).

Before we go over the individual fanboy groups that you can join, let's 
talk about some of the general fanboy requirements. Read them, learn 
them, know them, live them (ignore them):

THE GENERAL RULES OF FANBOY-ISM:

1. The game company you ally yourself with is the best.  Everyone else 
makes nothing but garbage.  If they make something good, it is a fluke, 
or they copied the game company you are allied with.

2. The system you own is by far the best and most powerful.  You don't 
have other systems, not because you can't afford them, but because you 
don't want them. All they are is trash.  If you do have other systems, 
it is only because you want to show all how superior your system of 
choice truly is.

3. The system you own has the best controller.  All the others are 
painful and practically unusable.  Your system is also the best designed, 
and most likely to survive a holocaust.

4. You generally do not have an opinion of your own.  You must follow 
the biased gaming websites or magazines of your choice, or the whim of 
your fellow system soldiers.

5. Future games can be judged by still pictures.  You do not ever have 
to play a game to know it is the best game ever.  It only needs to be 
made for your advocated game system.

6. Certain game companies that make titles for your system can do no 
wrong.  All of their games are epic and fantastic, no exceptions.  Other 
game companies make only crap, no exceptions. Fanboys need not concern 
themselves with studying to see whether a game is good or not.  Company 
reputation, or another opinion from a fellow fanboy is good enough.

7. It is a joyful time when a competing game company is in some 
trouble.  As a fanboy, it is your job to blow this news out of proportion, and 
squander any negative news about your own favorite game company. The 
truth is not a factor.  A fanboy truly believes that their own quality of 
life would improve if a game company they didn't advocate went out of 
business.

8. Having fun with your system is not a requirement.  Playing the games 
you have is not a requirement.  General knowledge of what you preach in 
the name of your fanboy faction is not a requirement.  The primary goal 
is to speak, and be loud about it.

At this time, all of the gaming factions are still inducting legions of 
fanboys in their ranks:  being a true fanboy requires sacrifice, 
discipline, and a single minded goal (this could also be looked upon as 
ignorance, stubbornness, and a short sighted view).  There is a multitude of 
fanboy camps that you can join: The major ones are:

The Sega Soldiers: These are usually long-time gamers who have played 
since the days of Sega's Master system, and possibly before.  They are 
fiercely defensive of all of Sega's systems and games (even if the game 
they defend really IS crap), and look down their noses at other game 
players.  Sega Fanboys are long-winded, and sometimes somewhat intelligent 
(or at least they THINK they are), but biased asses all the same.  They 
ignore Sega's pathetic advertising campaigns, instead focusing on the 
other companies' admittedly equally pathetic ads.

REQUIREMENTS: You must love Sega.  You must hate Sony.  You must ignore 
Nintendo. Believe that Sega created everything, that Yu Suzuki is your 
lord and master, and that Sonic is cool, and always will be.  the 
Virtua Fighter series are all great games, although you can't play them.  
The 32X was wondrous.

The Sony Superiors: Right now this group is the largest, and the 
youngest, many starting their play with the Sony Playstation just a few short 
years ago.  Generally, these are the angriest, crudest and the 
stupidest fanboys who will make the least sense in an argument.  To boister 
their views, they will usually pick out about 5 Sony games and hype these 
same titles over and over again, though there are thousands of games 
for their system. System specs mean a lot to this group, and they are 
usually inaccurate in their usage.

A large offshoot of this group are the Square Sages, who think 
everything Square does is beneficial to mankind (usually overlooking such 
titles as Saga Frontier). 

REQUIREMENTS: You must love Sony. Sega and Nintendo are but mere fleas 
at Sony's feet.  The PS2 is the greatest, most powerful system ever to 
be.  All of it's games are great. DVD is god. Crash rules.  Tekken was 
the original 3D fighting game. There is no such thing as anti-aliasing. 
Never question the fact that there are 9 Final Fantasies, making the 
ninth one final, final, final, final, final, final, final, final, FINAL 
Fantasy.

The Menacing Messengers of Mario: Nintendo fanboys are for the most 
part long-time game players that grew up with Nintendo's strong character 
lineup, and love them to this day.  This group has unwavering loyalty 
to all things Nintendo, good or not.  Change is not good for this group, 
nor is originality readily accepted.  Kiddie games and platformers are 
the rule, and not the exception.  Nintendo fanboys are the least 
knowledgeable of the factions, but will spout stupid arguments anyway.

REQUIREMENTS: The beliefs that Nintendo is the only game company. There 
are no others. The N64 is still the greatest system of all.  Cartridges 
are much better than CD media. Slowdown does not exist. Mario's world 
is not sparse. Zelda is not easy.  Pokemon will never die.  
Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong 64 are NOT the same game with different characters 
slapped in.  Nintendo really does have a new system coming that will be 
out next year.

The X-Box Elitists (so far a fledgling group): This group is the newest 
(and may be the most pathetic of all, since they don't have a system to 
advocate yet).  However, this doesn't stop gamers from believing that 
this system will crush all comers, though Microsoft's game experience is 
limited to a handful of pretty good to bad computer titles.  This group 
is highly dependent on still pictures, pre-rendered demos and 
meaningless system specifications, because right now, that's all they have to 
work with.

REQUIREMENTS: You don't like games.  You just want a powerful system to 
play the games you don't like on.  Microsoft knows and owns all.  

The Crimson Computer Corps: This group believes that all the consoles 
are a waste of time, and can't compare with the power of an overly 
expensive computer system.  They are generally thrilled by first person 
shooters or very slow moving, painstakingly rendered computer adventures 
with muddled stories that look just like the ever-popular fanboy movie, 
the Matrix.  Their games can be great, but they can fall all the way 
down to the lowest quality of any of the game platforms.  Computer fanboys 
don't see this.  They also like to spend $3000+ on a computer to 
emulate a console's games instead on $99 or so to buy the console itself. 
This group splits into the PC Pathologists and the Mac Masochists.

REQUIREMENTS: You must believe that general purpose computers are 
always more powerful than a game system only made to play games.  Ignore the 
fact that your games may not be as good because they're written for 
hundreds of different computer configurations when a console is built for 
just one.  You must not mind that you'll need to pay more money to 
upgrade your machine on a weekly basis, and that your games might not work 
right even if you do.

Other less popular (but equally stupid) fanboy groups include the Atari 
Advocates, the 3DOlogists, and the Neo-Geologists.  These systems and 
games for them are no longer made, but that means little to these 
stalwart groups of fanboys.

All of these groups believe that they are right and just (none of them 
are), and that their system will prevail (as if it matters).  So now 
that you are informed, fellow fanboy, you must choose your path of biased 
assed-ness and advocate your system.  Enlist in the fanboy group of 
your choice (and start spouting stupid crap) today!

(Or, if you're level-headed like I'm trying to be in the brackets, 
recognize that all this fanboyism stuff is a load of crap.  Like the games 
you want, don't judge until you play yourself, and keep an open mind 
about all platforms.  System/game preference is one thing, but fanboyism 
should not be tolerated by any "real, Hard-core gamer".  I know I've 
written articles along these lines before, and I'll keep doing it 
occasionally to remind everyone how stupid fanboyism really is.)

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