07/01/00

Space Channel 5

Platform: Sega Dreamcast

Genre: Timing/Dance

# of Players: 1

Difficulty: Moderately Easy (if you have any rhythm)

(Fat) Ah...after a somewhat long battle with laziness and the gout...

(Geeky) ...Strup throat, hemorroids and pink-eye for me...

(Fat)...(more than I needed to know)...Geeky and I finally return to the Game Hits website with a new review. I'm gonna have a field day with this one. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's tarded-ass stupid dance crap.

(Geeky) Whoa, hold on...I was all set to give a glowing review to this game. It's colorful, fun and it's got a beat you can dance to...

(Fat) It's STUPID. And I don't dance.

(Geeky) Have you even PLAYED it?

(Fat) Well...no, but I don't have to. What point is there to a dumbass game where the main thing you do is Simon-like button pushes to make your stupidly dressed on screen characters jump around like monkeys? Wouldn't you rather hit someone, or shoot someone?

(Geeky) You DO shoot aliens in the game...

(Fat) Whatever. It's still stupid.

(Geeky) Y'know, this game was at E3. Did you even look at it?

(Fat) Why should I look at something that I know sucks? They had a good floor-show, but that's not gonna make me play a stupid game.

(Geeky) What say we plug it in, then?

(Fat) Keep that crap outta my Dreamcast...

(Geeky) What kind of reviewer are you if you pass judgement on it before you play it? What a biased ASS...

(Fat) Yeah, well....this is different.

(Geeky) You're acting like a Gamefan reviewer.

(Fat) Arrrgh....alright. Put it in.

(Geeky picks up the Space channel 5 case. It has one of those special covers that animates the picture as you turn it left and right, showing the morolian-aliens dancing and the main character, Ulala, doing a high-dance kick. Geeky turns the picture left and right. Left and right. Left and right. He continues to do this for about 15 minutes. He seems mesmorized by the game's cover, when a stiff smack in the back of the neck from Fat snaps him back to cold, harsh reality.)

     SWAAK!

(Geeky) Ow!

(Fat) Put the damn thing in already!

(Geeky) Sorry. (Puts the GD-Rom in, and turns the Dreamcast on.) Now, these "Morolians" are aliens invading Earth, see...

(Fat) They look like those stupid Intel guys with the colored radiation suits.

(Geeky)...and they're forcing their innocent victims to dance.

(Fat) This is freaky. It's even dumber than PaRappa the Rapper.

(Geeky) You're a reporter after ratings. To beat the aliens and keep viewers watching your show, copy the morolians' dance moves. The direction and the timing have to be just right. (Geeky gets some of the moves right, but botches most of them).

(Fat) Is that Full motion video making up the background? That's interesting...but the game's still retarded.

(Geeky) There's also shoot mode. Press A to shoot the aliens. Press B to shoot the humans to rescue them. (Geeky shoots some aliens, and some humans...with the wrong button, which kills them).

(Fat) You....kinda suck at this, don't you?

(Geeky) I just GOT this game! Whaddya WANT?

(Fat) I.....want you to let me try it.

(Geeky) What?

(Fat) GIMME THE CONTROLLER! I'LL SHOW THOSE MOROLIAN SCUM WHO THE FUNKMASTER IS! (Fat grabs the controller and plays the game with reckless abandon.)

(Geeky) "Funk-master". Heh. How appropriate. (Fat goes through a level) You're not bad at this!

(Fat) Well, this stupid, worthless game needs timing and rhythm. As you know, I pride myself on being a professional musician. I did the soundtrack for Shawn's Game Hits Playstation 2 commericial.

(Geeky) Oh. You mean that tinny cyberporn crap that was playing?

(Fat) Shut up. I'm playing now.

(Geeky) So, you LIKE this game now?

(Fat) Didn't say that. The music's kinda catchy, in that J-pop sorta way. I don't think most Rammstein fans are gonna like it, though. The dance animations are nicely done...The control consists of the Digital Pad and 2 buttons. Nice and simplistic. You don't need to use every stinkin' button on the controller to play it, making it just a lit-tle more accesible than some games. On the other hand, though, this makes it pretty easy for an above average player to destroy it.

(Geeky)..Unless said player ain't got no soul. White bread with mayo...that's me.

(Fat) Or unless you have a hard time distinguishing left from right.....like I do. (playing some more)...I gotta admit this game's a lot of fun, at least the first few times through. Like Parappa, Bust a groove and other games of this type, the staying power of this game's a bit limited. Then again, most games get old sooner or later.

(Geeky) So NOW you like it...

(Fat) Eh...I'll tolerate it. As for how it compares with Parappa and the other games like it, well...in my opinion it LOOKS better, though it's style and Parappa's are totally different, making it more a matter of taste. The same goes for the music. Like I've said before, only idiot fanboys (or Prozine reviewers) actually deem one similarly good game better than another.

(Geeky) Basically, if you like Parappa, Bust a Groove 1 and 2, UmJammer Lammy, etcetera...chances are you'll like this one too, unless you've got an anti-Sega bias or something. I've read a couple of other reviews for this game, and one thing I find a bit odd is that a lot of reviewers complain how short the game is. It's only 5 rounds or so, but those rounds are pretty long, and other games like Parappa have about the same amount of levels. It's almost as if some reviewers are LOOKING for things to complain about.

(Fat) Well, that's kind of our job...so, what do you think of the game itself, Geeky?

(Geeky) Um....About the same way you do.

(Fat) How enlightening.

(Geeky) 'cept I didn't think it sucked before I played it, like some dumbass fanboy hypocrite.

(Fat) uhhh.....yeah. Sorry.

(Geeky) Also, I was a bit disappointed that the Ulala in the game wasn't as well-endowed as the model who played her at E3...

(Fat) Just can't get through a review without sayin' somethin' perverted, can you?

(Geeky) It's expected of me by now.

Graphics: 9 9

Sound: 9

Control: 9

Playability: 10

Worth a rent?: YES

Worth a buy?: A bit short, but yes, for style and originality alone.

Worth buying the system for?: No, not this one. It's good, but not that good.

Fat and Geeky's Final note: Music/Dance/Rhythm Games like this are somewhat of an acquired taste. You either like them or hate them. That said, Space Channel 5 is an example of how good this kind of game can be.

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