02/02/01

My ultimate plan for becoming the most hated writer of Gamehits continues....

Yeah, that's right you FF fanboys, your day of reckoning has COME! Once again, I will say things that others dare not say for fear of effigies of their likenesses being burned on a cross, and angry mobs of rabid fanboys coming to their houses for a lynching. Prepare your torches and start gatherin' around Gamehits then, FF Fanboys, 'cause as a Square gamer from way back, I've got a few things to say about the current Final Fantasy titles, and you ain't gonna like it.

Notice that I'm not saying this to Square fans in general. This is because with Chrono Cross, Square has proven that they can still make a good RPG just like they did in the old days. Front Mission 3, Vagrant Story and Saga Frontier 2 are pretty okay as well. Legend of Mana and the Parasite Eve series are.....crap (to me), but I digress. The Final Fantasy series, however, is Square's shining, glimmering jewel: Their penultimate RPG series that everybody knows and loves, including me. The only problem is that in my case, this "love" has turned from platonic like (Final Fantasy 1 on NES), to adoration (Final Fantasy 2 on SNES), to infatuation, (Final Fantasy 3 on SNES), to frustration (Final Fantasy 7 on PSX), to disgust (Final Fantasy 8, PSX) and finally, to tolerance (FF9, PSX) as well as the fear of another heartbreak (FF10, PS2).

One thing that REALLY annoys me about the FF series is the same thing that annoys me about the Sony regime in general: Fanboys. Acting like mindless, hollow-eyed drones, walking a stiff (Final Fantasy 8-like) walk with their arms out in front of them, slowly dragging their feet anywhere the FF series takes them, saying .....this....is....go-ooooood.....

Let me get ONE thing straight: I don't MIND if you like these games at all. If you genuinely enjoy them, that's great. You are playing these games to have fun, and if you're actually having it, wonderful. Enjoy yourself. That's the bottom line, isn't it? It doesn't matter what I think if you don't let it get to you.

However, as someone who truly believes in the balance of good and evil, light and dark, yin and yang, Dayne and Shawn (um...which one's evil again?), etc., I find it quite difficult to stand by and watch while droves and droves of fanboys (many of whom haven't played anything BUT the FF games so they have no point of reference, some who haven't even PLAYED the stinkin' games at ALL but were converted by hype or a fanboy friend of theirs, and some with a blinding, biting BIAS of ass) simply GUSH about the quality of these games ad infinitum. I can take it NO LONGER. There's no up without a down, fellas, and I'm down, G. No pleasure without pain, and I'm the ingrown toenail/terminal jock itch combo from hell.

If you consider yourself an FF fanboy, you may want to stop before reading any further. Some of the things I say here may make you yell profanities at your computer screen, curse my name in countless, and hopefully creative ways, grab and break stuff, speedily type embarrasing, cussword-laden, misspelled letters using those curses you came up with (please, PLEASE come up with something better than "U suk"), and defend your great and almighty FF series to the end. I assure you that none of this is necessary. After all, if you truly enjoy the FF series, you shouldn't CARE what I have to say. Quite frankly, I don't care what you FF fanboys have to say, so I expect no less from you.

Okay, so the name of this here article is "10 things I hate about Final Fantasy", and I know it's based on a lame teen movie that's a shakesperian ripoff. So, I guess the most prudent thing to do is think of 10 things I hate about the current FF games. How fortunate it is, then, that I've got your list right here....

10. I can't stress ENOUGH how much I HATE the pre-rendered background CRAP of FF 7, 8, and 9. It's looks pretty, but the characters ALWAYS look out of place, Square has this joy in making your character run waaaay back into the fake-o background so you can't see him/her, and it's no fun to explore these backgrounds at all. You usually end up getting stuck walking against some invisible barrier somewhere. One good example I can come up with is in FF7, where in the first part, it took me the better part of an HOUR to get past a stupid screen where you had to walk on some wrecked construction equipment, because it was really, REALLY hard to figure out where to GO! And before you just chalk it up to me being dumb, I've talked to SEVERAL people that had problems in the SAME AREA. FF8 had problems with this too, that was AMPLIFIED because the pointer feature (that shows where you and the exits are) is not IN that game (it's back in FF9, mostly). I know Chrono Cross uses the 2D backgrounds too, but ya know what? It does it BETTER!

9. One of the things that made the FF series famous is the great, orchestral type musical score that plays throughout the game. In my opinion, the epitome of a great soundtrack is in FF3. Since then, however, the musical quality seems to have gone down...and down...and down. FF7: pretty good, technical stuff. FF8: yecch. boring, plain, doesn't stand on it's own. FF9:....this is SQUARE music? WHERE? Now, I know what Square's trying to do here. The best movie soundtracks are usually not noticed, because they blend in with the rest of the movie so well. Square is trying to go this route, simplifying their music to blend into the game, so that it doesn't stand out. Well, it's working. The only problem is, since Square's games have no dialouge, they don't need to DO this. Chrono Cross didn't do it, and it's got music that's just as memorable as any Square classic because of it. I'm sure I'll get disagreements all over the board here, but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

8. Wowwww....pretty lights, poofy spells, nifty stuff. Cast a magic spell or unleash a Guardian Force (or spirit, or elemental, Square's got a million names for the SAME THING) and you're in for hours and HOURS of entertaining graphics to show off the fantastic power you released. 1st time...Cool! 2nd time...okay... 3rd time...again? FF7 had some ridiculous, mind-numbingly LONG spells (I flipped to watch TV for about 5 minutes during that "Knights of the round" attack), FF8 had that Track & Field-style button mashin' crap that made fanboys actually believe they were still PLAYING during these long, tedious magical Guardian Force animations (ya didn't fool me guys), and FF9 FINALLY gives you the option to Skip it, sort of, only showing you the last part of the attack (IT'S ABOUT TIME!!).

7. This is kind of along the same vein as the spells: the Full motion video. Here's MORE video that I gotta just SIT HERE and WATCH. It's usually beautifully rendered, in fact it makes the rest of the game look like CRAP! Is it any WONDER that when you see a commercial advertising an FF game, ALL YOU SEE is FMV, and they're actually trying to make you think you're PLAYING that? Shame, shame. That ain't the game. Perhaps I'd be a little more forgiving of all the movies if it wasn't the FIRST THING that starts SKIPPING when your Playstation gets OLD. I also hate the fact that due to all the stinkin' movies, a game that would otherwise easily fit on 1 CD has to come on 4.

6. No continuity. The only things you can count on in an FF game are Airships, Chocobos, the same elementals with different titles (Bahamut, Odin, etc.) and a character named "Cid". Sometimes, they really don't even fit in the game well. It almost seemed like the Chocobos were kinda put into FF8 as an afterthought. When you compare this to the intricacies of the Chrono Trigger series, or the Continuity of the Phantasy Star and Lunar series, you almost wonder why some of these games are called Final Fantasy at all (FF8 in particular: it should've been called "Final exceedingly average Sci-fi"...sorry Carlman). Yeah, I know that it's because EVERYBODY knows and WORSHIPS the name (which is part of the problem), however, I can equate that to Konami: time was, gamers knew EVERYTHING Konami made was great, as the Contras, Castlevanias, etc, were without equal. Now, the Konami of today is making snot-rag fodder like "The Grinch", "The (fruity yummy) Mummy", and "Woody Woodpecker Racing", not to mention an enormous slew of expensive equipment requirin' re-re-rehashed music titles they're pumpin' out in Japan like there's no tomorrrow. Konami is to music games what SNK was to fighting games. They didn't create the genre, but they sure are milkin' the HELL out of it. The music games are a matter of taste, but the recent rehash licensed platformers and racers are far below what Konami's quality used to be. Can't TRUST that name anymore. My point is, that's how I feel about the Final Fantasy name now too.

5. Does EVERY FF game have to have the sparse, badly rendered 3D backgrounds? When there actually ARE 3D backgrounds, they usually look like CRAP. WHY? The main map that you run around in is always sparse and unimpressive, and the backgrounds during the fights are just as plain. When you ask "can you name a game that does it BETTER?", once again I have to go to Chrono Cross. The main map is a very functional 2D overworld, and the 3D battle backgrounds are intricately detailed and look almost as good as the well-rendered 2D backgrounds in that game. I won't even talk about the newer generation DC RPGs, 'cause that's an unfair comparison.

4. The Side quests and activities. This is only my opinion here, but aren't these side quests and mini-games supposed to be FUN?!? The exception to this is FF9's card game, which can get addicting (FF8's card game was the best part of that particular game as well, IMO), but most of the other mini-games and side quests are tedious and boring as all get-out. Pull that barge! Lift that bale! Play that mini-quest! Buy that strategy guide, since there's no way in HELL you're gonna find all the secrets yourself, 'cause they're so obscure. Ya missed something! Play the game AGAIN! One of the first things that alerted me to having a problem with FF8 was the fact that I was looking at playing it as a daily chore, akin to washing dishes, cleaning the asbestos out of the ceiling vents, or taking the garbage out. This is NOT how I want to feel about a game.

3. What's with the Crappy CHARACTERS in these newer FF games? Cloud from FF7 and Squall from FF8 were basically the EXACT SAME character with different looks. Brooding, supposedly "cool", and boring. FF9's Zidane's at least a LITTLE different...the "same character, different name" curse continues with Tifa from FF7, Rinoa from FF8 AND "Dagger" from FF9...Don't even get me started on the "Squall as Surfer dude" and the FOURTH Girl clone lead of FF10. And the villains? Sephiroth from FF7 was okay, but he sure isn't no Magus (from Chrono Trigger, for you whippersnappers), Golbez (FF2) or Kefka (FF3). The "Sorceress" boss(es) from FF8? Stinkin' LAME! How can it BE that these older villains that were so crudely drawn and had almost no animation make so much more of an impact on me? Well, I think that has a lot to do with my next complaint...

2. The WRITING! If there's one thing I've noticed about FF7-8, and 9 somewhat, it's that the writing is dry, any humor that's in the game rarely comes through, and the dialouge is very, VERY flat. I don't know if it's the translation or what. FF2 had some pretty horrendous translation ("you spoony bard") but a certain charm and humor. FF3's translation was very good. FF7? I don't think the translators understood the story, 'cause it became REALLY muddled near the end...(SPOILER) "I was a member of soldier, but I lied about that and made all that up. I wasn't really a member of soldier, but when I WAS a member I went nuts... or was cloned or somethin'...I forget...back when I was in Soldier..." Spare me. Don't tell me I didn't "get it" either. It got it alright, it was DUMB. As for FF8....WAS there a story? Really? Most of what I remember was Squall brooding and that other dude with the scar on his face brooding back. That and the lame (SPOILER) "Oh, all us game characters just met but we forgot we all knew each other in an orphanage and that the evil sorceress queen was our nanny! Must've been those Guardian forces that made us forget, gosh dang 'em!" How conveeeeeeenient. And lame. One game I've played recently was Grandia 2. I've heard a lot of complaints about how linear the game is, but I gotta tell ya, THAT's a game that is VERY WELL WRITTEN. The Working Design Games like Lunar 1 and 2 are prime examples of this as well, though I don't think they need all the fart jokes (got enough o' my own, y'see).

1. After reading all of this, I'm pretty sure you get the impression that I think these new FF games SUCK. Well, guess what? You're wrong. I DON'T think they suck (well....8 does. Sorry again, Carlman), but they're not the END-ALL-BE-ALL NIRVANA of RPG GAMING, either. The thing that I hate more than ANYTHING ELSE when it comes to the FF series is...the HYPE! I hate HYPE! I don't care WHO it's from, or WHAT it's about. What makes me dislike the PS2 so much? All the stinkin' HYPE that it can't live up to (and the biased asses that are STILL spreadin' that hype. This Iraq crap? WHAT are you fanboys SMOKIN'?). I'm currently doing my best to avoid the hype for Phantasy Star Online, and I had to cover my ears and hum to myself to avoid all the hype for Shenmue and Chrono Cross, but there's just NO WAY I can avoid Final Fantasy Hype, as it's constantly being shoved into my face LEFT and RIGHT. This puts me into a rebellious, defensive mode, and it's all I can do NOT to scream to all of the hype-mongers that the GAMES F*#@&$' SUCK!!!! Maybe that's one thing the older FFs had going for them: Not as many people knew about them, and as you played, you got to be pleasantly surprised on your own. See, I know that a lot of you hate Pokemon. Why is that? Could it be because you SEE it and HEAR about it everywhere you go? Could it be because you can't ESCAPE from it? Well...think in those terms, and maybe you'll have a better idea of why I'm hatin' the FF series right now. Yes, Pokemon has merchandising up the wazoo: toys, clothes, restaraunt tie-ins, cereals, Pop Tarts, even a freakin' MUSICAL. FF doesn't have all THAT stuff...yet. Just WAIT 'till that FF movie comes out. It's gonna be Final Fantasy critical mass up the ass, I guarantee it.

AAhhh...It feels good to get all of that off of my chest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to playing Final Fantasy 9. As contradictory as this may seem, I'm somewhat enjoying Square's latest FF game, 'cause it has more in common with the older games that made Final Fantasy a household name in the first place. I thought that perhaps finally, Square had come to their senses, but with what I'm hearing about FF10, I may be wrong. Don't worry, I WILL give the new PS2 FF game a fair chance: Just don't EVEN think I'm simply gonna gush all over it, or overlook stupid crap that I don't like. I'll leave that to you Final Fantasy fanboys. Just try to keep the hype volume at a low scream this time, willya?

-Fat

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