03/21/00

Yep, those of you who know me probably saw this rant coming. If you do know me, you may want to skip the next few paragraphs and get right to the rant, which is separated by a line down below. For those of you who don’t, or want a little info on the tormented psyche of my soul, please allow me to introduce myself, as it has been awhile since I’ve written.

My moniker around here is "Fat". The reason I call myself this is because my physical characteristics are a bit on the rotund side. I’m not morbidly obese, mind you, but my weight is somewhat above the "American Ideal". I realize this, so in order to be true to myself and those around me, I let it be known (as if I could hide it).

Those who read my articles long enough without getting mind-numbingly bored or totally disgusted with what I say realize that I have a very opinionated, frank, and sometimes abrasive style of writing. My oft-negative attitude may lead some to believe that I don’t like or enjoy anything, which is not true at all. You see, I try to keep an "open mind" about things. Many people confuse the term "open mind" with "Positive outlook", when in truth, these are two very different attitudes.

An open mind is a neutral one: I try to see positive and negative things as equal attributes, and expect both. I do tend to sometimes sway in the opposite direction of those around me, sometimes not even willingly. Also, like others, I cannot help but let past experiences taint present ones. This is a human reaction.

In my critiques of games and the gaming industry in general, I choose not to ignore details I don’t like about games I do like, and I don’t try to justify flaws in much of anything, no matter how much I like it. In my view, that is what a true critic, or game reviewer does. I can tell you something I don’t like about practically every game I’ve ever played, but that in no way means that I don’t like the game. Nothing is perfect, nothing is sacred, and no game company in history is above a verbal bitch-slap or 2. That includes Nintendo.

Yes, Nintendo is the main target of my critiques this time. I realize that it’s a fairly common practice to look down on them, as many writers have been taking pot-shots at them for the past few years, as the past to current underwhelming Nintendo 64, as well as the aging, at long last soon-to-be updated Gameboy are both very easy targets, as are the chronically over-used staples of Mario, Zelda and Pokemon. Great characters and games, but overused all the same.

However, Nintendo did manage to silence some of their critics (and massage the egos of their stalwart fans) at the recent Electronics Entertainment Expo with the first public showing of their next-generation console, the GameCube. General impressions ranged from approval to enthusiasm, with the usual grumblings from fanboys of other systems.

Now, I’m a Sega fanboy myself, so I guess my opinion on the upcoming system wars is neutral, ‘cause I’m "beating a dead horse" as some would put it. Though I would like to see Sony ousted from their dominant position, mostly to spruce things up a bit (and also, yeah, ‘cause I hate ‘em), I’ll be content to go where the games happen to go.

I didn’t attend this year’s E3 (general lack of funds and sitting on my butt too long to get a decent room and airfare was the primary cause), so maybe I don’t see the full picture, but when I’ve looked at all the media about the introductory games for Nintendo’s new system, the book that is my mind always turns to page 1,352,420 (the thoughts of an average human mind are said to potentially fill over 1 billion pages in a lifetime. Who said that? I dunno...lost my mental bookmark), and that page says, in large, bold letters...

"Yeah? So WHAT?"

What is Nintendo doing now that they, or someone else, hasn’t done before? Should I bow down to them out of loyalty to king Miyamoto? Hmm...sorry, I don’t think so. This hype seems to be almost a carbon copy of the hype that was generated at the beginning of the Nintendo 64’s "reign", when Mario 64 was titled the "best game EVER!" by certain media sources, and some had the unmitigated audacity to say that you were "crazy" if you didn’t like that game. Sheesh. Talk about peer pressure. Later on, that was replaced by Zelda 64 being the "best game of all time". I’ve got 3 words for you....No...Such...Thing. There CAN NOT be one game that is the best of all time to any and all who have played it.

Some had complained about the coming of the Dreamcast a couple years back as being "evolutionary", not "revolutionary". Well, I sure don’t hear any "shot heard ‘round the world" when I look at the Gamecube’s lineup. Here’s my jaded, biased-ass opinions of what they showed:

Metroid 64 - looks like Unreal Tournament with Metroid characters. Run down corridors and shoot at stuff. Again. Great. Just what I want. I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but for now...Nexxxxt.....

Pimkin - Miyamoto’s "revolutionary" game featuring 100s of colorful plant creatures that you control to do things and make things with. It sounds like nothing ever played before to the media masses....this may be a bit presumptuous, but....it sounds a bit like Lemmings to me.

Starfox on Dinosaur Planet - at last year’s E3, Dinosaur Planet was it’s own game, a Zelda-esqe adventure for the Nintendo 64, which showed some of the most promise of any game at that show. Now, it’s on Gamecube, and thinking that new, original characters won’t sell worth crap (as Nintendo often does), they throw in the more familiar Starfox characters. It still looks nice, and will probably be a good game, but the blatant inclusion of an established license doesn’t impress me.

Luigi’s Haunted Mansion - to make up for almost NO activity in the N64 titles (save Mario Kart and the Mario Party games), Luigi is given his own Ghostbusters rip-off adventure. It will most likely be fun and satisfying, but the first impressions from some say it’s a bit repetitive.

Rogue Squadron 2 - This game generated much excitement and fanfare from the Star Wars fanboys out there...but what if you aren’t one?

Super Smash Brothers 2 - A spruced up version of the 2 1/2 D N64 "fighting" game. If ya loved that one, you’ll love this one. If ya didn’t.....

GameCube Waverace - The Jet-Ski game is back, again. Better water effects, higher resolution, more tricks....same old, same old.

Among other titles, including the inevitable Mario, Zelda, and Pokemon games, which weren’t shown. I certainly am not saying these games don’t have potential, or won’t be good, or that they won’t sell millions of copies each, but while some of you were seemingly blown away, I’ve stood firm. Graphically, these games all looked great...but what didja expect? For them to look like CRAP? Nuh-uh, Nintendo’s got too much at stake here. Some claim that Nintendo dominated the show with these games, but if they did, I gotta be honest with ya, it must not have been much of a show.

I still have some fears about the Gamecube:

#1, 3rd Party licensees. Where are they? Nintendo has some, but the big guys (Namco, Konami, Capcom) are primarily concentrating on the PS2, and a bit more on X-Box than on Gamecube. Then we have Sega, which looks to be supporting the Gamecube heavily, but they are ALSO supporting the X-Box heavily, and the PS2...lightly (heheh). The Nintendo 64’s biggest problem was not the high price and comparatively low storage ability of it’s cartridge format (though that played a big factor, and did contribute to their biggest problem), it was the LACK of 3RD PARTY SOFTWARE. If this continues with the Gamecube, the future for this system will not be as bright as many have hoped.

#2. The idiotically close release dates of the X-Box and the Gamecube. As of now, both of these systems are slated to be released in the SAME WEEK in November. Most likely, with a higher price tag, later release date (by 3 days) and lower user enthusiasm (which a $500 million dollar ad campaign may improve), the X-Box will suffer most here, but both systems will not benefit from this. Sony might though, if they decide to put a price drop on the PS2 in effect at about this time...As for the other 2, the release dates are like two cars driving toward a cliff in the game "Chicken", and I'm wondering if one of 'em is gonna swerve.

#3. What the Nintendo Fanboys want-Nintendo’s return to dominance. They want a return to the good old days where the original NES ruled the gaming scene, with spectacular games such as the Mega-Man series, Bionic Commando, Master Blaster, the Mario titles, and more. I however, remember this time a bit differently. The company in the lead becomes complacent, as Sony is right now. For every great Mega-Man game, there was an abundance of complete CRAP games like Friday the 13th and Amagon (I know that SOMEBODY out there is saying "Hey! Amagon is my favorite GAME!" Hang your head in shame. It sucked). The Quality to Quantity ratio of the NES days (and the Super NES days for that matter), was about the same as it currently is with the Playstation. 20-30 steaming turds for every diamond. Nintendo would put their "seal of quality" on just about ANYTHING back then. If money is involved, don’t expect that to change. In my opinion, Nintendo would be much better off fighting for position, as that makes them try harder to truly shine. Why do you think so many of Sega’s recent games have been winners? Because they HAD to be, for Sega to survive in ANY form. They became really complacent too with the Genesis, and look where it got ‘em.

So, if Nintendo didn’t rule the show, who did? Sony? Nah. Better than last year, but no surprises, and the number 1 draw was a Metal Gear Solid movie...just like last year. X-Box? No. They didn’t really have a lot of strong titles in their roster (though Dead or Alive 3 is a must-have for me). PC? Nuh-uh. Jeez, talk about a rut. How many realtime strategy/first person shooters/3rd person shooters/Diablo ripoffs can you STAND?!? I guess looking at that, Nintendo DID make the strongest showing. And that takes me back to my original stance....not much of a show.

Before the raging masses hang me in effigy as an anti-Nintendo infidel (that’s Brad’s department, though I doubt any of you current readers know who HE is, unless ya read Segadojo), I guess I have to try to explain myself again, (though judging from the delayed response of some when it came to my Final Fantasy rant, it won’t do any good) and say that Nintendo is, and always has been one of my favorite game companies, and they have contributed more to games as we know them today than just about any other game company in existence. Perhaps that’s why I expected more than what I’ve seen from them here.

Overall, we’ll have to wait and see how everything turns out. People are starting to bet everything they have on the Gamecube (or the PS2, or the X-Box), but I’m not quite ready to put my cards on the table just yet. As a matter of fact, I’m not EVER gonna bet on any ONE of them. I’ll most likely have them all. I haven’t fought the stupid "battle of the systems" since the Atari 2600/Intellivision days, and I’m not gonna start now.

-Fat

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