01/15/00

Nintendo Sucks!!!

There, I’ve said it. Wow, the world didn’t end, after all. Still, you’d think that it would, with the gaming media pussyfooting around the issue for the past few years. I guess that I can understand, though. Gaming mags, and, increasingly, gaming websites rely on advertising dollars to pay the bills. Admitting that the N64 is really a failure of a system would more than likely tick off Nintendo and some of their major third-parties, and we can’t have that.

Now, before I go any further, mayhaps I should add a disclaimer here: If you are a diehard platform gamer, you will probably not agree with what I’m saying. The N64 has plenty of platformers, and a few of them are actually good. However, if you’re big on any other genre, then I’m probably preaching gospel.

Here’s the deal: After the three years of the N64’s existence, I can still count all of its good titles on one hand. Let’s see, we have Goldeneye(duh), Zelda(although WAY-overrated), the two wrestling titles from THQ, and, um, I guess Mario Kart(although the SNES version was much better). Geez, I even have a finger left over(guess which one)! That’s not a very impressive library. What’s sad is that the Saturn had many, many times the amount of quality titles of the N64, and yet it failed miserably. There’s no accounting for taste, I guess. To put things more in perspective, the Dreamcast had more must-own titles in its first day than the N64 has had in its three-year life. That’s really sad. What’s that, you say? What about all of Miyamoto’s "masterpieces"? To be honest, I’ve never been much of a fan of his work. I can’t stand Mario, Starfox kinda sucks, F-Zero looked and played like a SNES game, etc. In fact, while I did enjoy Zelda, I felt like I had seen it all before, and that one-button-does-everything control has to go. I also thought that another game that came out about the same time, a little game by the name of Metal Gear Solid, was much better in every way. I really don’t like most of his stuff. Rare games are just as annoying. Aside from the aforementioned Goldeneye, most of their titles are cutesy to the point of nausea, and usually involve running around the same area over and over whilst collecting hundreds of bananas, puzzle pieces, ad infinitum, for no apparent reason. Woo hoo. I guess the problem with most of the first- and second-party titles is that they are aimed at the 10-year-old population(or those with the cognitive abilities of said population). That might have been fun when I was 10(although I think I was playing Phantasy Star and Dragon Warrior instead), but I have moved on, and so have many others. In fact it seems as if the entire industry has moved on, and Nintendo, much like that uncle that no one likes to talk about, simply refuses to get with the times.

So, the first-party games are mostly platformers, but the third-parties must be filling in the holes, right? Uh-uh. Has anyone taken a look at the N64 library(or lack thereof) lately? No RPG’s(Zelda doesn’t count), not a single good fighting game, scads of horrible, horrible racing games, hand-me-down sports titles, and very few action/adventure games. And they all have such nasty fog and smeared textures that technically-inferior Playstation titles look light-years better in comparison. And, what’s really frightening is that people are buying this tripe. Superman? Looks good! Armorines? Sure, why not? I don’t know if people are desperate, or if they just don’t care what they’re buying, but as long as this junk sells, those naughty companies are just gonna keep churning it out.

Thankfully, the writing finally seems to be on the wall for Nintendo. Best Buy recently cut the price of the two-controller N64 bundle to $89.99, and I heard that Target dropped it to $79.99! Stores are starting to clear out N64 games big-time, sometimes below cost. This is a pretty good idea; I have seen first-hand the stacks upon stacks of N64 junk that these stores are sitting on. It ain’t pretty. In Japan, the thing never really caught on, but in Europe, where it did garner a decent following, many retailers have ceased carrying N64 product altogether. I wouldn’t be surprised if we start seeing such behavior on this side of the pond before the end of the year. I just can’t believe it has taken this long. I mean, does anyone, aside from little brothers, still own one of these things? Nintendo may have sold through like 10 million N64’s, but a fairly sizable chunk of those have long since been pawned off. Just check out the back room of your local FuncoLand: Chances are that they have mountains of used N64’s that they can’t even give away, and with good reason. This year, there are really only 2 uses for an N64: To play the forthcoming Perfect Dark(which looks and plays great, by the way), and to act as a somewhat-stylish doorstop. Yup, stick a fork in it, the N64’s done. Last fiscal year, Nintendo of Japan posted earnings far below estimates, and the only reason it was in the black was because of Pokemon. Yes, it’s true: Pokemon saved Nintendo. If it wasn’t for that little yellow rat, the current, and possibly future, console wars would probably look very different. Still, if that fad ever dies out, and if Nintendo refuses to cater to a more sophisticated consumer, they could still be in a world of hurt. Dreamcast is starting to catch on, PS2 is gonna sell zillions, and a couple of lame platformers and some dumpy racers aren’t going to save Nintendo’s collective asses in the next round. They’ll probably always have the kid market, but kids are making a much smaller percentage of the game purchases than they used to. The N64 sold on name alone; next time they’re gonna have to actually earn their cash. What a concept!

So, as the N64 fades into the obscurity it has so rightfully earned, we are left with many questions: Why did they make the controller specifically for people with three hands? Why is Titus still allowed to exist? And, will they ever resurrect Gumpei Yokoi(the creator of Metroid) with voodoo black magic so that we can finally play a good Nintendo game? The world may never know…

In the end, what have we learned, boys and girls? That’s right, we learned that the N64, and most of its games, totally suck ass and should be launched into the sun in order to prevent their contamination of future generations. Very good. Of course, we will never see anything like that in the gaming press. Again, in order to keep the cash a-flowin’, they will continue to throw out bits like "Nintendo makes the best games in the world!" and "The N64 is still viable! Really! We mean it!". And all the while, they’ll give really bad ratings to pretty much all N64 games released, and they’ll focus on Perfect Dark and the recycled Zelda game while glossing over any other N64 titles scheduled. It must be like that Blair Witch Project thing last year: Everyone knew that it sucked, but no one wanted to say anything.

Note: The inflammatory comments spewed forth in Brad's Soapbox are his own editorial steps on the brink of madness, and are not necessarily the opinions of Gamehits, or anyone else on Earth, for that matter.

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